August 1st, 2010

Inspired by ‘Pukemon’ apologizes, then goes to jail (Philadelphia Inquirer 7/30/10) and ‘Pukemon’gets 30 to 90 days (Philadelphia Daily News 7/31/10).

Phillies fans are known for being wild,

But this guy makes the rest of them look mild.

Matthew Clemmens has been sentenced to 30-90 days in jail

(His protestations of regret were of no avail),

Plus 50 hours (clearing stadium bathrooms is how he’ll serve it).

For what he did, he’ll certainly deserve it.

Matt and his buds were cursing and spitting at the family in front of them,

So the dad (off duty police captain Vangelo) reported them.

The stadium police ejected the spitter (Matt’s friend).

The others left, and that’s usually where this story would end.

But Matt came back for one last rebuke,

Which he made in the form of puke.

He stuck two fingers down his throat to make himself hurl,

And projectile vomited over Vangelo and his 11 year old girl.

Vangelo pushed Matt away, for which Matt hit him 4-5 times in the head

(Vangelo restrained himself from hitting back instead).

Four other fans grabbed Matt and held him down

While he continued to puke over their shoes and the ground.

(During that scuffle, Matt must have taken a shot,

Since he had a black eye in his prison mug shot.)

This is yet another illustration

Of the increasing lack of civility in our nation.

To be spit on because you told someone to not use the “f” word in front of your kids

Is something which both the law and common decency forbids.

And to you, Mr. Pukemon,

Were you really sorry about the little girl you puked on?

Or were you just putting on an act

So the judge would cut you some slack?

Whichever it was, I hope that you’ll be sorry

When you’re the one cleaning up someone’s calamari.

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