February 29th, 2012
Inspired by Mitt’s “win” in Michigan.
“We didn’t win by a lot but we won by enough, and that’s all that matters.” – Mitt Romney Michigan victory speech
“And that shows what a lost opportunity Michiganwas for Santorum. He had a real chance of winning Michiganand throwing Romney’s campaign into chaos.” – E.J. Dionne
You woke up this morning
Having “won” your home state,
But three points and half the delegates
Isn’t really that great.
Surely this kind
Of electoral squeaker
Is stressful for
Any office seeker.
And remember that winning
The popular vote
Doesn’t that you’re
You were expected to win big
And knock out the opposition,
But instead you squeaked by—
Sad, considering the competition.
And you only achieved that
Because Santorum made the mistake
Of throwing up on college and JFK,
Letting you the lead narrowly retake.
Your mom always said
You’d be the chosen one.
It’s your turn as nominee to run.
By this time the Party was
Supposed to have elected you.
Instead, the majority of GOP voters
Has consistently rejected you.
The campaign was supposed to be over by now,
With you the primary victor
And favorite against Obama,
With the economy your November win’s predictor.
Instead, it’s been a bruising
With one non-Romney after another
Inflicting repeated rectal pain.
Are you disappointed
With how things have been going?
Do you have the sense
That you your chance are blowing?
Last night you were flying high
But this morning you’re feeling down
Because Santorum creamed you
In your own hometown.
Sure, your parents told you
You were one in a million
And your net worth
Is a cool quarter billion.
That you can succeed in politics
Quite as easily.
In both business and politics
It’s unfortunately true
That there are unpleasant things
You have to force yourself do.
But when talking to people
Feels like an unpleasant thing,
It makes your campaign
Of constant awkwardness ring.
You’re different than we are,
But still you try
To convince us you’re just like
The little guy.
You try to show people
That you’re just normal
But just come across as stiff
And overly formal.
You pretend to understand
The every day meaning of things,
And convince people you sympathize
With their arrows and slings.
How about trying something new
To give your campaign a lift
And convince the base
Of your rightward drift?
Maybe you should go out for
Some varmit-huntin’ fun:
Put on some camo
And get yourself a gun.
That kind of stuff
Worked well for John Kerry,
At least in the
Maybe you’ll do better than Kerry
In the general election,
Though wearing camo one’s whole political career
Doesn’t in general win an election.
Here’s Romney’s full “victory” speech last night in Novi (a Detroit suburb).
Here’s DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz today on Andrea Mitchell discussing Romney’s “win” in Michigan.
Update 3/01/12: Exactly on cue, Mitt has in fact started talking about guns (he must have read my post). Here’s the video 3/01/12 on Way Too Early (plus a clip of of Romney’s 2007 “small varmit” comment), followed by additional discussion of the Michigan results on Morning Joe (Santorum sure looks happy about his delegates tie). But wait a minute: what’s that at the 7”47 mark in the second clip? Isn’t that Tony Soprano in the picture next to the one of Davey Jones that Joe Scarborough is pointing out (I have to admit it was the near-naked woman that first attracted my attention)? Coincidence? I think not.
Here are the strangely appropriate Woke Up this Morning lyrics.You woke up this morning Got yourself a gun, Mama always said you’d be The Chosen One.
She said: You’re one in a million You’ve got to burn to shine, But you were born under a bad sign, With a blue moon in your eyes.
You woke up this morning All the love has gone, Your Papa never told you About right and wrong.
But you’re looking good, baby, I believe you’re feeling fine, (shame about it), Born under a bad sign With a blue moon in your eyes.
You woke up this morning The world turned upside down, Thing’s ain’t been the same Since the Blues walked into town.
But you’re one in a million You’ve got that shotgun shine. Born under a bad sign, With a blue moon in your eyes.
When you woke up this morning everything you had was gone. By half past ten your head was going ding-dong. Ringing like a bell from your head down to your toes, like a voice telling you there was something you should know.
Last night you were flying but today you’re so low Ain’t it times like these that make you wonder if you’ll ever know The meaning of things as they appear to the others; Wives, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers.
Don’t you wish you didn’t function, wish you didn’t think Beyond the next paycheck and the next little drink Well you do so make up your mind to go on, ‘Cause when you woke up this morning everything you had was gone.
When you woke up this morning, When you woke up this morning, When you woke up this morning, Mama said you’d be theChosenOne.
When you woke up this morning, When you woke up this morning, When you woke up this morning, You got yourself a gun.
Tags: 2012 election, Andrea Mitchell, Awkward, Clever titles, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, Detroit, Elections, Favorites, Funny videos, Joe Scarborough, MI, Mitt Romney, Republicans, Rick Santorum
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