Mitt-chigan

February 29th, 2012

Inspired by Mitt’s “win” in Michigan.

 

 “We didn’t win by a lot but we won by enough, and that’s all that matters.” – Mitt Romney Michigan victory speech

 

 “And that shows what a lost opportunity Michiganwas for Santorum. He had a real chance of winning Michiganand throwing Romney’s campaign into chaos.” – E.J. Dionne

 

Dear Mitt:

 

You woke up this morning

Having “won” your home state,

But three points and half the delegates

Isn’t really that great.

 

Surely this kind

Of electoral squeaker

Is stressful for

Any office seeker.

 

And remember that winning

The popular vote

Doesn’t that you’re

Popular denote.

 

You were expected to win big

And knock out the opposition,

But instead you squeaked by—

Sad, considering the competition.

 

And you only achieved that

Because Santorum made the mistake

Of throwing up on college and JFK,

Letting you the lead narrowly retake.

 

Your mom always said

You’d be the chosen one.

After losing to McCain in 2008,

It’s your turn as nominee to run.

 

By this time the Party was

Supposed to have elected you.

Instead, the majority of GOP voters

Has consistently rejected you.

 

The campaign was supposed to be over by now,

With you the primary victor

And favorite against Obama,

With the economy your November win’s predictor.

 

Instead, it’s been a bruising

GOP primary campaign,

With one non-Romney after another

Inflicting repeated rectal pain.

 

Are you disappointed

With how things have been going?

Do you have the sense

That you your chance are blowing?

 

Last night you were flying high

But this morning you’re feeling down

Because Santorum creamed you

In your own hometown.

 

Sure, your parents told you

You were one in a million

And your net worth

Is a cool quarter billion.

 

But making money in business

Doesn’t guarantee

That you can succeed in politics

Quite as easily.

 

In both business and politics

It’s unfortunately true

That there are unpleasant things

You have to force yourself do.

 

But when talking to people

Feels like an unpleasant thing,

It makes your campaign

Of constant awkwardness ring.

 

You’re different than we are,

But still you try

To convince us you’re just like

The little guy.

 

You try to show people

That you’re just normal

But just come across as stiff

And overly formal.

 

You pretend to understand

The every day meaning of things,

And convince people you sympathize

With their arrows and slings.

 

How about trying something new

To give your campaign a lift

And convince the base

Of your rightward drift?

 

Maybe you should go out for

Some varmit-huntin’ fun:

Put on some camo

And get yourself a gun.

 

That kind of stuff

Worked well for John Kerry,

At least in the

Democratic primary.

 

Maybe you’ll do better than Kerry

In the general election,

Though wearing camo one’s whole political career

Doesn’t in general win an election.

***

Here’s your theme song, Woke Up this Morning by A3 from The Sopranos, set to video of Michigan Mitt driving through Detroit. (Read the song’s lyrics below—they’re strangely appropriate.)

Here’s Romney’s full “victory” speech last night in Novi (a Detroit suburb).

Here’s DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz today on Andrea Mitchell discussing Romney’s “win” in Michigan.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Update 3/01/12: Exactly on cue, Mitt has in fact started talking about guns (he must have read my post). Here’s the video 3/01/12 on Way Too Early (plus a clip of of Romney’s 2007 “small varmit” comment), followed by additional discussion of the Michigan results on Morning Joe (Santorum sure looks happy about his delegates tie). But wait a minute: what’s that at the 7”47 mark in the second clip? Isn’t that Tony Soprano in the picture next to the one of Davey Jones that Joe Scarborough is pointing out (I have to admit it was the near-naked woman that first attracted my attention)? Coincidence? I think not.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Here are the strangely appropriate Woke Up this Morning lyrics.

You woke up this morning
Got yourself a gun,
Mama always said you’d be
The Chosen One.

 

She said: You’re one in a million
You’ve got to burn to shine,
But you were born under a bad sign,
With a blue moon in your eyes.

 

You woke up this morning
All the love has gone,
Your Papa never told you
About right and wrong.

 

But you’re looking good, baby,
I believe you’re feeling fine, (shame about it),
Born under a bad sign
With a blue moon in your eyes.

 

You woke up this morning
The world turned upside down,
Thing’s ain’t been the same
Since the Blues walked into town.

 

But you’re one in a million
You’ve got that shotgun shine.
Born under a bad sign,
With a blue moon in your eyes.

 

When you woke up this morning everything you had was gone.
By half past ten your head was going ding-dong.
Ringing like a bell from your head down to your toes,
like a voice telling you there was something you should know.

 

Last night you were flying but today you’re so low
Ain’t it times like these that make you wonder if you’ll ever know
The meaning of things as they appear to the others;
Wives, mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers.

 

Don’t you wish you didn’t function, wish you didn’t think
Beyond the next paycheck and the next little drink
Well you do so make up your mind to go on,
‘Cause when you woke up this morning everything you had was gone.

 

When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
Mama said you’d be theChosenOne.

 

When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
When you woke up this morning,
You got yourself a gun.

 

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