Mirror, Mirror (or, Republican Parallel Universe State of the Union for the “Real America”)

January 29th, 2010

“In a presentation that mimicked many of the trappings of President Obama’s address, McDonnell delivered his speech in front of a packed audience of about 250 family members, friends and donors in the state’s historic Capitol.” — Washington Post

Inspired by McDonnell calls for curbing federal government’s reach (Washington Post 1/28/10), Obama’s criticism, and GOP solutions (Politico 1/29/10), the videos below, and the classic Star Trek episode for which this post is named. VA Governor Bob McDonnell delivered the Republican response to President Obama’s State of the Union message. But instead of the traditional minority party response, this one was more like a parallel universe State of the Union of its own, with all the Presidential trappings, trimmings, and symbolism the GOP could muster– the Republicans’ “Real America.”

“McDonnell walked down the aisle shaking hands as he entered the House of Delegates chamber, much as Obama did in the nation’s Capitol. He was flanked by Cabinet members and some of his leading supporters, who punctuated his remarks with repeated and enthusiastic applause.” –  Washington Post

To read the blueprint for this Real America’s creation, go to the website Gov. McDonnell spoke of so approvingly, GOP Solutions for America (motto: “They must be solutions, because it says that right in the title”). And unlike the Democrats McDonnell mercilessly mocked, Republicans don’t need thousands of pages of detailed policy and actual legislative measures to rescue the economy, create new jobs, reform healthcare, restore fiscal responsibility, reform the financial system, solve America’s energy problem, and provide for the common defense. 

“While Republicans in Richmond reveled in the moment, Democrats continued to criticize McDonnell for giving the speech while failing to provide more guidance on how to close the multibillion-dollar budget shortfall that Virginia faces.”– Washington Post

Instead of these lengthy, complex new laws, the GOP proposes simple, straightforward “solutions” for these only seemingly complex problems, many of which don’t even require new legislation or regulations, since they merely preserve the status quo of letting big business do what they want. In addition to making those key GOP campaign contributors happy, that “limited government” approach also has the advantage of requiring a lot less work than actual governing, which leaves time for more fundraising.

“He’s had enough time to be able to talk to us about the State of the Union. But he hasn’t had enough time to talk to tell me and the 9th Senatorial District or my colleagues on this floor about $4 billion in cuts?” – VA State  Sen. Donald McEachin (D-Richmond), quoted by Washington Post

As pointed out by Stephen Colbert (watch the video below), the GOP plan to simultaneously accomplish all these goals is all of 9 pages of actual content, including pictures and wide margins. To save you the trouble of wading through those 9 pages and McDonnell’s speech (unless you’re so inclined), I’ve abstracted and elucidated the basic principles below, plus some additional references to McDonnell’s past writings.

     The universe is out of whack.

How else can one explain that our President’s black?

As anyone who watches disaster movies can deduce

A black President means that soon all Hell’s gonna break loose.

      Of course, the most recent blockbuster drama

Is the one starring President Obama.

But in a galaxy far, far away,

Republicans have created their very own “Real USA.”

     In that happy parallel universe, the President is still white

There are a few minorities around, but they’re very polite.

Nothing bad ever happens (at least nothing the GOP’s fault).

We’re a White Christian Nation again, at least by default.

     Women stay home and nobody’s gay.

The streets are safe for children to play.

There’s still some crime left, but it doesn’t matter,

Because it’s not in the parts of the country that matter.

     People only do wholesome things for fun,

And everybody owns (and carries) a gun.

Removal of aliens and most minorities has been completed,

So the police are no longer needed.

     There’s no sex education in school:

Abstinence Only is the rule.

Birth control and abortion are not allowed,

Because neither are necessary (at least that’s what’s avowed).

     Everyone is home-schooled.

Inconvenient laws are over-ruled.

Scientific theories have been repealed.

God’s truth to all has been revealed.

     There are no taxes, and government is limited–

Only a select few into its ranks are admitted.

The latter must pass a purity test

And have to look and think like the rest.

     Most government services have been privatized

(That what the corporations that now provide them advised).

Government has become a profit center,

Which provides financial incentives for people to enter.

     Without taxes, how are “public” services financed?

It’s all because oil and gas drilling were enhanced.

The wealth that all that drilling created

Funds the government, with leftover money rebated.

     Climate change has been conclusively proven wrong

(The righteous knew it was a hoax all along),

So it’s fine to keep on burning fossil fuels

(Forget about ANWR and other natural jewels).

     All business regulations have been eliminated,

Which unprecedented economic growth immediately created.

Of course, the jobs created are all overseas

Because that increases profits for companies.

     Nobody in the country is poor

(At least noone you’d have contact with any more).

Though a powerless minority his methods did condemn,

Andre Bauer was able to get rid of them.

     We have the best healthcare system on earth:

Those who can afford it receive complete care from birth.

There are almost no uninsured

(They die off when no healthcare is secured).

     Most TV news shows are out of business,

Except for those to which Republicans acquiesce.

There are 500 TV stations, but only one network survived,

And Fox News, syndicated to all 500 stations, has thrived.

     Elections are now almost unnecessary,

Since noone is taught views to the contrary.

Corporate ads tell the few remaining voters who to elect,

And that’s who they go to the polls to select.

     Anyway, since Republicans are the permanent majority,

The only thing that matters anymore is the primary.

Most candidates run unopposed,

With financial backers undisclosed.

     Terrorist attacks and wars still take place

(That justifies the national security measures in place).

Terrorists don’t have any legal recourse

And the government has unrestricted power, anti-terrorism to enforce.

     This is the “Real America” that Republicans imagine,

And McDonnell the (current) Parallel President on whom they their hopes pin.

Expected victories this year and two years from now

Will full realization of this dream allow.

     Under Bush, Dems had a parallel universe of our own,

So we can’t blame Republicans from wanting one of their own.

Ours was The West Wing on TV,

But at least we didn’t confuse that with reality.

     As Parallel President McDonnell said, the GOP has solutions for all the country’s ills,

And as proof, GOP Solutions for America this prophesy fulfills.

That Dems need thousands of pages of legislation to fix the country is outrageous.

Download the GOP blueprint—it’s only 9 pages!

     And if you don’t like the vision I portray,

Then just vote Democrat to make it go away.

***

Here’s Gov. McDonnell’s parallel universe State of the Union message.

Here are Jon Stewart’s and Stephen Colbert’s 1/28/10 reports. (They both noticed the parallel universe Presidential pomp as well.)

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Speech Therapy
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political Humor Health Care Crisis
The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Stephen’s State of the Union Speech
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Economy


PS: The titular reference is to episode # 33 broadcast 10/06/67, “Mirror, Mirror” in the second season of the classic Star Trek original series. In that episode, Kirk, Scotty, and McCoy are accidentally sent to the “Imperial Starship” Enterprise in an alternate parallel evil universe while transporting during an ion storm. Their evil twins from that universe are transported to the USS Enterprise, where Spok quickly figures out that there’s something wrong with them and imprisons them (would that we could figure out that easy a way to deal with our Republicans). Kirk, Scotty, and McCoy have to pretend their evil (while trying to avoid doing evil) to stay alive long enough to figure out a way to switch back to their own universe, which they eventually do, after converting evil-Spok to good. The “mirror universe” and/or other parallel universes also appear in The Next Generation, DS9, Voyager, and Enterprise.

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10 Responses to “Mirror, Mirror (or, Republican Parallel Universe State of the Union for the “Real America”)”

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