Mass. Effect: Ascension (or, Scott Brown Comes to Town)

February 5th, 2010

A continuation of our “Mass Effect” series, Inspired by It’s all Scott Brown on Capitol Hill (Boston Globe 1/22/10), Brown will join Senate a week early, What does Brown change? Nearly everything for Dems (Washington Post 2/04/10), Brown is acting red right away, Brown’s independence could face Senate test, The myth of Washington bipartisanship and the art of true compromise (Washington Post 2/05/10), SNL’s skit (watch it below, along with the other videos), and  the video game novel of the same name.

     Scott Brown

Has come to town

His career to begin.

Yesterday at 5:00, Senator GOP Savior was sworn in.

     He didn’t bring his pickup truck

(I guess he no longer needs to look like a schmuck).

Instead, he arrived in a (foreign?) SUV

(Maybe he just didn’t realize he’d be on TV).

     “It’s really time to get to work,”

He said as he collected his papers for the Senate Clerk.

He was wearing a suit and tightly knotted tie

(No more posing naked for this guy).

     He had to cut short his “thank you tour”

(Originally planned for one week more).

He was initially happy with his Feb. 11 swear-in date,

But then conservatives convinced him that was one week too late.

     He requested it be moved up and Gov. Patrick complied

(Republicans were apparently expecting that request to be denied).

And the supposed conspiracy to delay Brown’s being seated?

As it turns out, Brown wasn’t so mistreated.

     Contrary to what the right wing expected,

Brown was seated only 16 days after being elected.

Why was the Right so up in arms about their delay-Brown fantasy?

(Read my earlier post about why people suspect conspiracy.)

     Compare that to Senator Al Franken’s experience,

Which the opposite extreme represents.

Because of Al’s Republican opponent’s legal motions to interfere,

He wasn’t seated for the better part of a year.

     At the time, the GOP’s admitted strategy

Was to delay increase in the Democrats’ majority.

I guess they assumed the Dems would do

What they themselves had previously tried to.

     But there was no delay, and now Scott’s in town,

Ready to help the GOP throw their weight around.

He’s said he won’t support the healthcare bill,

And hasn’t mentioned anything that he will.

     As far as his future’s concerned, the sky’s the limit

(It certainly seems that his ego isn’t).

He hasn’t ruled out running for Pres in two years

(He’s even more precocious than Obama, it appears).

     The GOP always seems to be looking for a savior,

But candidates disqualify themselves by their misbehavior.

George “Macaca” Allen and Mark “Appalachian Trail” Sanford

Are just two examples of disqualification by behavior untoward.

     Indeed, the Right is so worried the same will happen to Brown,

That spokesman Glenn Beck suggested withholding the crown.

Until, that is, Brown can be fitted with a chastity device

To avoid dead interns if Brown didn’t take Beck’s advice.

     Now that he’s ascended to this exalted position,

What will Brown do as the Senate’s newest addition?

He’s said he’ll be bipartisan and independent,

But in interviews avoided any policy commitment.

     But his talking points told a different story–

He spoke of tax cuts for all to restore our economic glory.

Since Dems have already enacted tax cuts for the lower and middle class,

That talking point just means tax cuts for the rich to pass.

     He spoke of going back to the drawing board on healthcare reform

(That same old GOP tactic to delay and misinform),

And he lied that the stimulus bill didn’t create any new jobs (“not one”).

With “independent” Senators like this, the next year sure will be fun.

     But inspite of all the buzz,

I’m actually more interested in what he does.

Will he fulfill his mission as savior designee?

For that, we’ll have to wait and see.

     Like Commander Shepard, will he come in guns blazing,

Or will he embark in bipartisan consciousness raising?

Will he stand up to the Reapers and brain-washed follower Saren Bohnerius?

(In fair warning, if he does, they’ll be furious.)

      Or how about the rogue Cerebrus: will he stand up to her?

For Republicans, her wrath is something one doesn’t want to incur

(And if you doubt me,

Just look what happened in NY-23).

     All said, I guess we should give Scott the benefit of the doubt.

After all, that’s what being Liberal is all about.


Here’s Brown being sworn in. VP Biden administered the oath, and a number of Dems were in attendance). Shortly before, interim MA Senator Kirk gave his farewell speech. Kirk called for bipartisanship, but not a single Republican bothered to attend.

Here’s the Saturday Night Live skit on Sen. Brown’s ascension.

Here’s Rachel Maddow 1/22/10 report on the alleged conspiracy to keep Scott Brown from being seated.

Visit for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Here’s Glenn Beck’s bizarre “joke” about chastity belts and dead interns.

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