I Touch Myself (or, Everybody Needs a Hand Sometimes)

September 18th, 2010

Editorial note: This poem was apparently written and posted by an anonymous Christine O’Donnell supporter (or, as Christine would say, one of her “fellow bumblebees”) who is crazy about O’Donnell and what she stands for, except for one (small) thing.

Dear Christine:

I’m a big fan, except for one thing:

I just can’t stop masturbating.

Lately, I’ve been trying to cut back,

But it’s hard, given the media’s incessantly suggestive attack.

Instead, every time I see your smiling face,

I have to get in private someplace.

So I guess what I’m trying to say

Is do you want me to vote for you anyway?

I just wanted you to know that the hand pulling the lever for you

Was shortly before pulling something else too.

If you still want my support, then I’d like to make a personal donation

Because of all the good you’ll do for Delaware and the nation.

I just wanted to make sure, given you public stance on the issue.

(Oh wait, where’d I put that tissue?)

And Christine: guess what I’m doing right now?

(Then again, maybe you already knew that somehow.)

I know some of your critics have insinuated you’re frigid,

But I don’t think it’s fair for them to be so rigid.

I don’t think it’s fair for the liberal media and left wing

To focus so intently on one small thing.

The suggestive coverage has been unflagging,

Giving new meaning to the term “Teabagging.”

They just keep on and on with this innuendo,

Until it reaches a climactic crescendo.

The media jibes just keep coming and coming.

Is it any wonder that I’m succumbing?

I know what I do is a terrible sin,

But do they have to keep rubbing it in?

Sorry for the subject matter, but I hope you understand,

Now and then everybody needs a helping hand.

Please leave a comment below to let me know what you think,

Or to email me privately, click on this link.

(And if it’s not against any Biblical strictures,

I’d appreciate it if you could send me some pictures.)

Thinking of You Often,

A Big Fan


Here’s Countdown’s 9/17/10 “Christine O’Donnell’s Greatest Hits” report, along with an MSNBC-created campaign commercial for O’Donnell to use if she wants to. I guess this is the kind of suggestive reporting that “Big Fan” is all riled up about (click here for more examples).


Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Here’s some special theme music for our anonymous poet, I Touch Myself by Divinyls. Christine Amphlett… Christine O’Donnell: same first name, and is it just me, or do they look a lot a like?

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3 Responses to “I Touch Myself (or, Everybody Needs a Hand Sometimes)”

  1. Newsericks » Blog Archive » Hide and Seek Says:

    […] Some of your supporters miss the source of their inspiration. […]

  2. Newsericks » Blog Archive » Hannity In My Pocket Says:

    […] (Howard Fineman, Huffington Post 10/14/10). Christine O’Donnell goes from channeling Christine Amphlett to channeling Alanis Morissette (check out my modified lyrics to her Hand In My Pocket […]

  3. Newsericks » Blog Archive » Save the Cheerleader, Save the Country Says:

    […] be sure that you the Democratic Party lever […]

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