Glenn’s Gold (or, All Is Not Gold That Embitters)

December 16th, 2009

Inspired by Don’t Buy Gold At $1000 An Ounce! (SeeMeGetRich 3/16/08), Glenn Beck’s Terms for Gold Ads Raise Concern at Fox (New York Times 12/13/09), and the Daily Show and Colbert reports on Fox’s promotion of gold (watch the video below).

Gold goes up in times of trouble

In the last five years, it’s more than double.

And as Fox viewers know, the price will continue to climb

Because we’re getting close to the end time.

As we all know, the country’s going to hell

And the economy’s not doing too well.                                                    

Obama’s intentions are clearly satanic,

So it’s natural that everyone panic.

Gold’s the only way your wealth will be protected–

When everything else is worthless, it won’t be affected.

Gold has doubled in value since 2004.

Surely it will double a few times more.

But then again, only a schmuck

Would incite mass panic to make a buck.

Fox would never do something so cold–

It’s just a coincidence they’re pushing gold.

Glenn Beck is Goldline’s official spokesman–

By coincidence he touts gold on his show again and again.

Even Fox’s website is chock full of gold advertisements

(Both overt and covertly worked into the contents).

How do you create a gold-hawking machine?

Start by dowsing someone with gasoline.

Make them believe the gumint can’t be trusted

And the financial system will soon be busted.

How many Fox viewers fell for this pitch,

And were filled with the desire, themselves to enrich?

How many put their life savings in gold

To ward off the disaster that Fox has foretold.

Stocks and bonds give business the capital it needs

Land is where we live, work, and grow the food the nation feeds.

Coal, gas, and oil run the (carbon) economy,

And cold hard cash provides liquidity.

But gold is what’s called a non-productive asset class—

Like an un-productive person who sits around on his ass.

Gold doesn’t earn any interest or help a business grow,

All it does is sit there and glow.

So buying gold is a matter of pure speculation:

Your profit depends solely on its appreciation.

The problem with speculating is that prices don’t always rise–

As with other commodities, the law of gravity applies.

“It’ll never be worth nothing,” the commercial exclaims,

But it might be worth less than you pay if the economy’s in flames.

If you must, buy a little (keep your portfolio balanced),

But scaring people into buying is both unfair and unbalanced.

Buying and selling gold incurs lots of fees

(Bad for you, but good for Goldline and its franchisees).

So gold will have to go up more than 45 percent

Before you even make a cent.

(Not to mention that Goldline itself has been accused of misinformation and fraud,

Which fellow traveler Glenn must surely applaud.

So Goldline and Fox are the perfect fit,

Since no other network would such shenanigans permit.)

Glenn says in his opponents claim he’s manipulating the market.

He scoffs he’s not that powerful (although his goal is to become it).

But I don’t agree with those unfair reviewers.

I think Glenn is just manipulating his viewers.

That, of course, is a much easier task,

Since Glenn’s viewers are always looking for another conspiracy to unmask.

As PT Barnum said, there’s a sucker born every minute.

Glenn’s gift has been to assemble and exploit that market.

Fox has attracted the perfect demographic,

But to exploit it like this borders on the pornographic.

It never occurred to me before

That a gullible audience is worth a lot more.

Is Glenn Beck at peace

About all the people he’s helped fleece?

Glenn bought at $300 per ounce and made a fortune, he asserts.

But what if his followers buy high and lose their shirts?

Gold is now over $1000 per ounce.

Will this price rise be just a short term bounce?

If gold drops again as it has in the past,

Those who buy at the top won’t benefit from Glenn’s rosy forecast.

“Pray on it,” Glenn says, and he will too

(Since he makes lots of money selling gold to you).

Maybe God will even send you a vision

To help you make the right decision.

That way, you won’t blame Glenn

If (or when) gold goes down again.

Here’s Glenn on why he buys gold (or at least did once) from Goldline.

Here’s more Glenn on gold, but is he advertising or reporting? It’s hard to tell sometimes. (Or, are they the same for him?)


Here’s Glenn’s admission that he’s been shamelessly hawking gold.

Here’s Jon Stewart’s 12/10/09 report.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Beck – Not So Mellow Gold
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Tea Party

Here’s Stephen Colbert’s 12/15/09 report. As Stephen points out, it’s always good to diversify…

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Prescott Financial Sells Gold, Women & Sheep
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

Here’s Columbia University professor of economics (and Nobel prize winning supply side economist, by the way) Robert Mundell in a 11/23/09 CNBC interview saying that now is not a good time to buy gold.

Here’s a scene from the movie which in part inspired our title, Ulee’s Gold (a really excellent movie).

Here’s your theme music for today, Fools Gold (from the album Johnny The Fox) by Thin Lizzy, appropriate both for its description of social deterioration, and for the “fools” reference. Plus, that’s an awesome guitar solo.

Cash4Gold, Everybody's doing it!

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6 Responses to “Glenn’s Gold (or, All Is Not Gold That Embitters)”

  1. Newsericks » Blog Archive » Glenn’s Greater Power Says:

    […] the World” report. But as it turns out, all that is revealed is yet another opportunity for Glenn to hawk gold (please read and comment on that one […]

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    […] follow up to my earlier piece about the Fox News audience, Glenn’s Gold, inspired by Swindle of the year (Charles Krauthammer, Washington Post […]

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