Gay Pets

December 14th, 2009

Inspired by this lively HuffPost comments debate and anti-gay marriage video from Nation for Marriage (read our earlier post about that, and watch the video and Stephen Colbert’s excellent parody of it here). The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington is vehemently opposing DC’s marriage equality law. One of the reasons they give is that they don’t want to be forced to place adopted children with gay parents. Never mind that Catholic Charities only performed six DC-funded adoptions last year and that current law already requires them not to discriminate against same-sex couples: this whole dispute completely overlooks a potentially even more important issue: the threat to America’s pets.


There’s a storm coming,

One that the entire balance of nature upsets.

It’s a crisis facing Our Great Nation.

I’m talking of course about gay pets.


The Catholic Church and others oppose

DC’s marriage equality law,

But the crucial issue of gay pet adoption

Hasn’t received any attention at all.


When I take my dog to the dog park

He always has a great time,

But one thing that he doesn’t like

Is when other dogs try to hump him all the time.


Since homosexuality is a choice

And/or based on environmental factors,

I can only assume that the offending dogs

Were turned gay by their gay masters.


I therefore call on the Congress

And state and local governments throughout the Nation

To make illegal pet adoption by gays

And prevent this burgeoning abomination.


As I’m sure my readers will agree,

Gays adopting pets is as big a threat to our country.

As letting gays adopt an adoptee

Of the human child variety.


Far better that both human and animal adoptees

Continue as institutional internees

(Or, in the pets’ case, be euthanized)

Than that their sexuality be compromised.


What’s the reason for this nefarious gay plot

Which now finally into the light of day has been brought?

They probably want to turn our pets gay

So they can marry them one day.


So join me now in this holy mission

To prevent further pet gayness imposition.

Before the gay agenda to animals extends,

Please help protect our four-legged friends.


PS to straight dog owners:

I know that my dog’s not gay

(When other dogs try to hump him he runs away),

But If your dog’s already been infected

By gayness at him directed,

Have him reprogrammed if you can

(It works just as well with dogs as with a human).


If you’re looking for a pet (and you’re straight), please help save America’s pets by adopting one. Check out (that’s where we adopted our completely heterosexual dog from). And be sure to sign the petition below.

or, Start a Petition
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Posted in Freedoms, Religion | 10 Comments »

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10 Responses to “Gay Pets”

  1. Newsericks » Blog Archive » Lost Innocence Says:

    […] Gay Pets […]

  2. Me Says:

    Good points, I think I will definitely subscribe! I’ll go and read some more! What do you see the future of this being?

  3. newseri1 Says:

    I think that gay adoption is linked to and will follow the same path as same-sex marriage. As same-sex marriage becomes increasingly accepted socially and legally (see for more on that), I think that gay adoption (including all the attendant issues of custody in case of divorce, etc. — see will increasingly be treated as being no different from straight adoption.

  4. GayPets Says:

    Great poem!

    We’ve known for quite a while about the existence of gay pets and we encourage them and feel proud about them.

    You should all join the fight for equal rights for gay pets by getting a sticker!

  5. Newsericks Says:

    Thanks. My poem is meant mostly as an idirect satire of opposition to gay adoption and the view held in some quarters that gayness can be “caught” like a disease and is not in-born (the existence of homosexuality in animals is itself strong evidence that it is), but I am also fully supportive of providing good homes for actual gay pets. What would also be interesting to research is what the actual percentage of gay pets (e.g., cats and dogs for start) and see if that correlates to the human situation.

  6. Newsericks » Blog Archive » Gay Pets Survey Says:

    […] Gay Pets Survey […]

  7. Newsericks » Blog Archive » Albatresbians (or, What’s That Around Your Neck?) Says:

    […] Gay Pets Survey […]

  8. lisa Says:

    This is a scientific impossibility! Animals can not catch gayness! You will cause countless homeless pets to be euthanized because of this unfounded and completely ludicrous notion. Animals arent even aware of their own or humans’ sexualities. That is a human emotion that they are not capable of having. Animals procreate on instinct. And a spayed or neutered pet is completely asexual. Dogs ‘humping’ other dogs is about domination. This is a survival instinct – it has nothing to do with sex! You seem to have a fixation with sex. Maybe you have some issues with your own sexual preferences? You do realize that gay bashing is against the law?

  9. Newsericks Says:

    Actually, the poem and survey are meant as satire, to mock those on the far right who believe these kinds of things and who oppose equal rights (in particular marriage and adoption equality) for gays. Please check out my other posts about gay rights ( to see that I am indeed a strong gay rights supporter.

  10. Newsericks » Blog Archive » Charity Begins at Home Says:

    […] to Marriage, Dear Archbishop Wuerl, DC Archbishop Opposition to Gay Marriage, Render Unto Caesar, Gay Pets, Suffer Little Children, The Blood of Christ (Not) Shed for You, and Sour […]

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