Five Fence Defense (or: The Right’s FusionPro Immigration Policy)

October 28th, 2011

Inspired by Fanning the flame on immigration (Michael Gerson 10/28/11), Congresswoman Michele Bachmann signs Americans for Securing the Border “Pledge” (Americans for Securing the Border 10/15/11), and Michele Bachmann Signs “Double Border Fence” Pledge Written by Ex-Con Lobbyist (Comedy Central 10/17/11).


“By a date certain I will build a double-wall fence with an area of security neutrality in between. I will build that.”—Michele Bachmann at Las Vegas GOP debate


Most of the GOP candidates want to build a wall,

But Michele Bachmann has outdone them all.


She wants to build two fences, side by side

(No news yet about whether she’ll flood it and put crocodiles inside).


But if one fence is good and two is better,

Why not go all out and do Michele one better?


Why not have three, or four, or five,

Just in case illegals the first two survive?


With razors, there’s a similar marketing trend,

Which like the right’s punitive policy goes on without end.


Razor companies keep adding more and more blades,

And calling the changes essential upgrades.


The comparison is apt, since Republicans think of illegals like beard stubble:

To keep the second one from slipping by, you need the fence to be double.


(Will right-wing policy, like the razors it mimics,

Ever tire of these questionable gimmicks?)


Speaking of razors, after we’ve doubled the fence and made it higher,

Let’s top those multiple fences with razor wire!


And instead adding another simple fence,

We can hide razors on the ground as the third line of defense.


If illegals make it through the hidden razors,

Then they’ll have to navigate through the… lasers.


The fifth and final level will be to supply

Giant cutting blades that slice out, neck-high.


(It will be neck-high for adults because we’re not cruel,

And don’t like to unnecessarily kill little kids, as a rule.)


But don’t worry about the illegals—they’ll be fine.

Like Herman Cain said, we can have a sign.


(Except for the razors and blades, which will be a surprise

To ensure everyone with US immigration law complies.)


Maybe giving those illegals a really close shave

Will finally teach them how to behave.


Here are two side-by-side commercials for Gillette’s 1972 double-bladed razor and five-bladed Gillette Fusion ProGlide. (Just Paypal me $100 for the plug, Gillette.)


Here’s Michele signing Americans for Securing the Border’s pledge to support the double fence. I say why stop there: make it five fences! And if you don’t agree, that proves you’re not a Real American.


Here’s audio of Michele at theLas Vegas debate explaining her double fence anti-immigration policy. (Gotta love that jacket.)


Here’s a movie clip of how the new and improved five fence defense would work. Don’t be left behind, other GOP candidates and Americans for Securing the Border: come out in favor of a five layer enhanced border fence now!

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