Chaffetz Chafes

January 9th, 2010

Inspired by Chaffetz airport tiff: Harassment of lawmaker, or obnoxious congressman?, TSA union fires back at Chaffetz (Salt Lake Tribune 9/25/09), TSA union responds to Chaffetz accusations (The Hill’s Blog Briefing Room 9/26/09), Edited video of TSA spat is inconclusive, but Chaffetz claims vindication (Salt Lake Tribune 10/18/09), TSA releases more video of Chaffetz airport encounter (Salt Lake Tribune 10/21/09), New TSA report: Chaffetz said, ‘Do you know who I am?’ (Salt Lake Tribune 11/06/09), Will Chaffetz amendment haunt House? (Poltico 12/28/09), Safety first: There’s nothing to fear from airport full-body scanners (Washington Post 1/07/10), and U.S. to push for full-body scanners at foreign airports (Washington Post 1/08/10).

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) championed a regulation

To limit full-body scans’ application.

Mr. Chaffetz, after flight 253 don’t you think that was an error?

And why are you Republicans so soft on terror?

Then again, I understand why you took this stance–

After all, in Utah, you guys don’t even dance.

I guess the prospect of having their naughty bits on screen

Strikes your conservative constituents as obscene.

Didn’t you ever take a shower in gym class?

If so, why are you worried someone might see the outline of your ass?

Haven’t you ever had a prostrate examination?

They make you view body scans with appreciation.

Of course it’s ironic

(Or maybe just moronic)

That so many Republicans supported

The infringements Bush/Cheney purported

Necessary to prevent another attack

By voting for the Patriot Act.

Not to mention the illegal wire-tapping measure

That seems to have given Cheney so much pleasure.

Republicans had no problem with that,

But on full-body scans you want to go to the mat.

Your sensitivity to the scans is plain to see,

Judging by your outburst at the Salt Lake airport recently

You were in the body scan queue,

But there was a big scene when you refused to go through.

TSA staff said you were belligerent, rude, and used profanity

(Indeed, “Do you know who I am?” smacks of serious vanity).

You said you were “singled out” because of your amendment,

And because your vote against TSA collective bargaining caused discontent.

Anyway, your restrictive measure passed the House in June;

Let’s hope it doesn’t pass the Senate any time soon.

Of course, that was before a Nigerian terror enlistee

Almost blew up flight NW 253.

That serves as a reminder that the threat is pressing

(Being blown up in flight can be depressing).

Better to have body parts on computer screens

Than have them spread all over blown to smithereens.

You say the scan’s a privacy intrusion,

But these days, isn’t privacy just an illusion?

Me, I prefer a little privacy erosion

To being blown up in a mid-air explosion.

Plus, TSA privacy measures reflect

That they want to minimize the privacy effect.

Scanned images can’t be photographed or saved (and no Youtube feed, I assume),

And scan review takes place anonymously in a separate room.

But if you’re still concerned, think of conservative housewives

Who rarely get naked in their cloistered lives,

But get a secret thrill when they for their doctors undress,

Like a mini-affair their husbands can’t protest.

Conservative men fantasize about the converse–

A full-body scan by the female doctor or nurse.

It’s normal, so stop acting so haughty

And view this as permission to do something naughty.

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