Bass-o-matic (or, Join the Tea Party)

April 27th, 2010

Inspired by In N.H., voters’ anger moves a centrist to right (Washington Post 4/26/10).

“God bless every single one of them. Their agenda is exactly the same as mine.” – formerly moderate Republican Charlie Bass about the Tea Party  
 
“One of the basic rules of Republican politics is “run to the right” in the primary and “move to the middle” for the general election. But Charlie Bass, our Charlie Bass, a tea-partier? You gotta be kidding…. It can’t be easy for Bass to move to the right of his primary opponents, radio talk show host Jennifer Horn and former state representative Bob Guida. Both have talked a more conservative game. But that appears to be his plan. If he succeeds, it will take such a long way back to the middle that he’d better pack a lunch..” – Concord Monitor
 
“And this above all else: to thine own self be true.” – Polonius’s advice to Laertes, Hamlet


Charlie Bass,

You’re an ass.

I know moving to the right for the primary is automatic,

But did you have to make your move so dramatic?


I find it strange

You say you don’t like Obama’s change.

His change has been moderate.

Obama an extremist? You’re full of it.


Your change, on the other hand, has been extreme–

You have no core beliefs left, it would seem.

Like your party, you’ve moved far to the right.

I hope that won’t get you re-elected, but you apparently think it might.


The Post said you used to be “moderate in substance and style,”

But now your rhetoric seems designed, the Far Right to rile.

Just because you lost to a Dem in 2008

Is no reason Obama’s policies to blindly berate.


Your defeat may have been a career-ender,

But that’s no reason to put your political views in a blender,

Pour in lots of tea and turn it on puree

Until your previous views have all been blended away.


You say Teabaggers’ views with yours perfectly align

And that their agenda is “exactly the same as mine.”

Now that you’ve moved to the Teabagger “us” from the “them,”

You say “God bless every single one of them.”


Including the ones who want to “take our country back”

From the first President who just happens to be black?

Including the ones who think Obama is not our legitimate President

And doesn’t govern with “the People’s” (i.e., their) consent?

(Not to mention that he’s a socio-fascist Muslim dictator not born here

And may even be the Antichrist that they fear.)


Including the ones who think healthcare reform is a socialist plot

And fear things they think are there but are not?

Including the ones who are vehemenently opposed

To death panels and other things Dems never proposed?


Including the ones who condemn government-run healthcare

But are happy with their own government-run Medicare?

Including the ones who called in death threat after death threat

Because they with the healthcare bill were upset?


Including the ones who cry out “f***ot” and “n***er”

And carry the racist signs that at Teabagger rallies are de rigueur.

Including the ones who spit on black Congressmen

And reviled a pro-reform protester with MS again and again?


Including the ones who think it’s tyranny if they can’t carry all their guns all the time

And defiantly proclaim they didn’t come armed “this time”?

Including the ones with signs saying “Kill the Bill

And that if Brown couldn’t stop healthcare reform, then Browning will?


Including the rabble rousing Mike Vanderboeghs

Who approve of  throwing bricks through “Democrat” windows?

Including the ones that advocate violence only “when necessary

And are ready and waiting the necessary next step to carry.


You’ve been a good-government moderate for the last dozen years.

Why now switch over to stoking extreme rightist fears?

I too am “honestly and truthfully appalled”

That you now with this Teabagger crap are enthralled.


I’m sure Teabaggers appreciate your willingness to do anything to win

(For an “outsider” it’s surprising what you’ll do to get back in),

But I don’t think it will work, because Teabaggers will never accept you.

They’ll worry there still might be things you’re unwilling to do.


Though you profess your loyalty to today’s Party of No,

Your even more extreme opponents will just cry out “RINO.”

Your record is full of too much centrist stuff,

So I don’t think your recent conversion will be enough.


Though moving to the right might the best tactic seem,

There’s always someone willing to be even more extreme.

Teabaggers will always just vote for the farthest right,

So your comeback prospects don’t look very bright.


And for ever Tea Party adherent that you miraculously gain,

You’ll lose ten Independents due to your extremist campaign.

So why not just follow Polonius’s recommendation

And stop trying to suck up to the Tea Party Nation.


(That is, assuming there’s anything left of the real you

To even try to be true to.)

***

Speaking of Bass and blenders, here’s our title’s inspiration source, the classic SNL Bass-o-matic ’76 sketch.

And here’s your theme music, That Ain’t My America by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Check it out in our Amazon store, or download that and other music, movies, and more for free with the Real SuperPass free trial offer.
 

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2 Responses to “Bass-o-matic (or, Join the Tea Party)”

  1. Newsericks » Blog Archive » I’m Not Racist (I Just Don’t Like Minorities) Says:

    […] In contrast with racist Teabagger insults flung, […]

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