Analyze This (or, Professor Beck’s History Lesson)

February 21st, 2010

Next in our CPAC “Dirty Dozen” profile, inspired by Glenn’s history lesson (watch the video below).


“We are going to go through some tough times, and we are going to be tired as we set things straight,” Beck said. “It is a hard road, I know, I have walked it myself. It is a hard road. But we will make it. And at night, we will be beat tired. We will be so tired. But when we put our head down on our pillow to go to sleep again that night, we can be happy because we know tomorrow it will again be morning in America.” – Glenn Beck 2/20/10 at CPAC

Glenn Beck didn’t let down his adoring crowd.

His anti-everything rant was long and loud.

Personal responsibility was among his main themes

(In spite of his personal lack of responsibility, it seems).

“We choose our own destiny,” Beck explained

(God forbid he’d be asked to share the wealth he’s gained).

“All men will not end up equal,” he elucidates.

(What is it about the government helping people that he so hates?)

We don’t need “health care, housing or hand outs,” he said, continuing his obsession,

But a lot of people do (especially during a recession).

Glenn seems to believe that government help for those in distress

Somehow demeans his entirely self-made success.

Then Glenn went on the attack

Of that socialist dictator who started the system holding America back.

No, not President Obama, as you might have felt.

Glenn started attacking Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

FDR was a strong leader who great personal and national obstacles overcame,

But Glenn spoke of him with contempt and the crowd booed his name.

What great crime did FDR commit earn their hateful zeal?

He created Social Security and the New Deal.

FDR got us out of the Great Depression and won the Second World War,

But I guess we should take down his face from Mount Rushmore

Who could we put up there then?

Maybe Ronald Reagan, or better yet, Glenn!

“It is still morning in America,” Beck said quoting his god

(When speaking to conservatives, it’s always good to give Reagan a nod),

“It just happens to be kind of a head-pounding, vomiting-for-four-hours morning”

(Too much information Glenn, but thanks for the warning).

But one thing that Beck said almost won me over:

He said President Obama wasn’t the cause of the hangover.

That’s “too simple of an answer,” he went on,

Looking for something more complex to vent on.

But I suspect Glenn’s rejection of that simple answer

Is his belief in a complex conspiracy spreading like cancer,

A conspiracy that started with FDR and culminates in healthcare reform

In a pernicious plot, America into a communist country to transform.

Beck also brought out his blackboard to illustrate his lecture

Replacing ancient and modern history with his own distortion and conjecture.

He agrees with Cheney that in 2010 the GOP will enjoy a rising tide,

But added that “it’s not enough just to not suck as much as the other side.”

“I have not heard people in the Republican Party yet admit they have a problem,”

(Perhaps, Glenn, because you are the problem).

Beck said he’s waiting for a “come-to-Jesus” moment.

(Do you mean when they realize that you’re the One Who Has Been Sent?)

“America is not a circus,” Beck said, dismissing calls for a big tent

(So much for allowing internal dissent).

“America is an idea. America is an idea that sets people free”

(Too bad that America doesn’t include you or me).

While talking about personal responsibility,

Beck also brought up his own personal story.

His drinking had cost him everything he had

And the future looked pretty bad.

But Glenn pulled himself up by his own bootstraps

And quit drinking (aside from the occasional relapse).

He became a wealthy, successful Fox News host,

Which is why taxes have always bothered him the most.

Glenn says “you shouldn’t be demonized or penalized for it” if you’re a success.

Ah, so now we reach the root of his distress.

He doesn’t want to pay for the government services he receives or received before

And resents those who still need government services more.

But, dear professor, taxes are not a penalty,

They’re the “price we pay to live in a civilized society.”

No one is trying to punish you for being successful

Calm down (it’s not good for your health to be so stressful).

People that go through hard times have one of two orientations

Usually, it makes them sympathetic to others in similar situations.

But sometimes it makes them hate people like they used to be.

Glenn is in the latter category, it seems to me.

Of course, this is just a layman’s diagnosis,

But I do think this indicates deep-seated psychosis.

Glenn’s friends (if he has any) should have staged an intervention

After Glenn finished his speech at the CPAC convention.

Glenn, if I’m out of line, please accept my apology,

But I do think you would benefit from modern psychology.

Then again, why should you pay for therapy

When you get millions to listen to your psychotic rants for free?


Here’s Glenn speaking at CPAC on 2/20/10, the conference’s closing speaker (scheduled for 6:00-6:45 p.m., but he went over).


Here’s the trailor for the the movie from which this post takes its name, Analyze This. I chose that as my title for two reasons. First, it suggests the professorial, pseudo-analytical nature of Glenn’s speech. Second (and more importantly), it evokes the psychiatric treatment that I believe Glenn is in such dire need of, and to which I hope that my own humble analysis can contribute.


Click here to read more in our CPAC series.

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8 Responses to “Analyze This (or, Professor Beck’s History Lesson)”

  1. Newsericks » Blog Archive » CPAC’s Dirty Dozen Says:

    […] where’s Glenn Beck, you might […]

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    […] Inspired by Beck’s blackboard living in Norquist’s closet (The Washington Examiner 3/25/10).   “Every Wednesday in Washington, all the conservatives meet to decide what they should be doing in the weeks ahead. This [blackboard] is going to be going to the site of the Wednesday meetings to remind us what we should be doing in the weeks ahead, and it will be put to use there.” – American Conservative Union chairman David Keene to Glenn Beck after Glenn’s CPAC keynote speech […]

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    […] appears that listening to Professor Beck’s history […]

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    […] of the Young Turks).   Here’s Glenn speaking at CPAC on 2/20/10 (courtesy of CSPAN), furiously attacking FDR.   Here’s Keith Oberman’s Sep. 2009 send-off to Glenn Beck for Glenn’s search for communism […]

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